When was the last time you really felt heard?
Although we live in a very connected world, it isn’t always a world that is communicative. Mother and daughter powerhouse team Kathy Taberner and Kirsten Taberner Siggins believe that harnessing the power of curiosity can solve this problem.
Curiosity is a big passion project for both of them. Once Kirsten became pregnant with her first child, she wanted to evolve into a career that didn’t have the expectation of working hard and playing hard. After a long conversation with her mother (which they both remember vividly), Kirsten decided to also become an Executive Coach.
Even though Kirsten is in LA and Kathy is in BC, they synergized to write
The Power of Curiosity. The book is a reference manual for clear communication (Kathy has a friend who keeps a copy in her kitchen). They suggest using the acronym ABSORB to absorb yourself in listening:
A - Attention
B - Body language and tone of voice
S - Stop and focus
O - Open to understanding - not judging
R - Repeat through paraphrase
B - Be calm the gremlins
We spoke with both of them and they practiced what they preached, listening attentively to one another’s answers and laughing appreciatively at a well-timed joke. We listened with open ears to learn a little more about how to listen (and really, how to live).
Writing a book together: how did that come about?
Kathy: It’s been an evolution! It wasn’t intentional. We never set out to write a book. I was working in health care on a project helping to create leadership skills through a coaching program. We learned it wasn’t the coaching skills the managers were lacking, but it was the skills used in coaching like listening, asking open questions, paraphrasing, etc. I started talking to Kirsten about how people were finding value in it and somewhere along the line, I suggested writing a book about it. We realized that it would be of value to other people.
Kirsten: Clients were urging my mom to put it out there because it was so transformative. Many of us
take communication skills for granted and don’t really value investing in them. Most of us believe that we are all great communicators. Spoiler alert: we’re not! It is really hard for people to ask open questions. There is a need to have a different language. Curiosity was the key to accessing that language.
So how does one access this language, even with the barriers of frustration or anger?
Kathy: With practice. If you stay curious, you feel better! Dopamine and oxytocin are emitted when you are curious. The neuroscience supports this.
Kirsten: Every day I have to set an intention to be curious. It‘s unlearning a language I spent my lifetime learning.
Understanding yourself and your family is a really freeing place to be. Curiosity is a lifestyle.
Kathy: I think you become more accepting and less judgmental. I am so much more open that I used to be. I can feel appreciative of where people are coming from.
Kirsten: I think also people don’t understand how much control they actually have when they have their back against a wall. The only way you can gain understanding is through curiosity. The open questions will help your emotions to dissipate. It is really powerful.
How did we lose our curiosity along the way?
Kirsten: A lot of leaders that we worked with had a revelation that the communication skills they had as leaders were directly influenced by the way their parents spoke to them and their teachers spoke to them. A lot of parenting language and teaching language is very directive.
Do you think everyone craves the opportunity to be curious again?
Kirsten: When you’re a kid, you’re extremely curious. Have you ever met a non-curious 3 year old? Over the years, the leadership model of telling shapes the model of a leader. Some people feel if you ask questions you aren’t good at your job. It depends on what the leadership model works for them. Curiosity is your most powerful tool. On some level, all humans want to be seen, heard and understood.
Kathy: We feel pressure to know the answer when we are leaders. When you can shift into being curious, it takes the pressure off to know the answers and it supports the person asking the question.
You mention in your book that there are lots of crossovers with this concept and parenting. Tell us more.
Kirsten: I have an 8-year old and a 7-year old. We have a parenting and teaching landscape that is very telling. We tell and tell and tell and then we ask them to fix problems once they are adults. These critical skills are not being modeled or taught when they are younger. I have a greater understanding of how my parents felt.
It certainly is a gift to write a book with your mother.
Kirsten: It definitely
made our relationship stronger. It was a really interesting and powerful experience. Not everyone gets to write a book with their mother, especially about communication! I love working with my mom. She’s brilliant.
Kathy: It’s been one of the highlights of my life.
Kirsten: Aw, that’s so nice.
Kathy: It’s true!
